40 & Fertile

When I first found out I was pregnant, it is embarrassing to admit, I was embarrassed.  I often wonder if this is the same kind of embarrassment that young girls have who get pregnant, or if it’s just on a completely different level the age difference?

Our second pregnancy was a surprise also, coming just 9 months after having our first child who was planned for.  However, having a second child isn’t as taboo as having a third, for starters.  And having any more than one child after 40, is certainly cause for raising eyebrows. 

You might say that the times have shifted and that people are having kids older and older, and while that may be true there is still a stigma about it. 

You hear comments like, “I could have only ever had my kids in my 20s, I would be so exhausted at your age.”  “Being pregnant when older is just harder” (not coming from my medical provider).  “Wow, don’t you think you are a little old for that?” What makes it even more uncomfortable is that as a blended family with older children, I am now attending high school functions while pregnant.  The amount of judging that comes from the stares is beyond anything I would have anticipated.  I have also even overhead people talking about it, when I guess they think I can’t hear because I’m old?  Direct statement, “I am in perimenopause, I couldn’t even imagine having a kid right now.”  “Thank god we are almost done, this lady is just getting started.”   I could go on, and on.   

It’s interesting dichotomy.  Some women, and I have known many over the years who have tried so hard to have a baby at all or have more children and could not, they would be truly overjoyed at the thought of becoming pregnant.  There are the women who just love children and are supportive, who would tell you what a blessing it is whether they have kids or not.  And then there are the Judy Judgers. 

I am not one to change course due to people’s opinions, I have always been one to veer completely in my own way despite whatever anyone had to say about it.  (Might I add, most of the time the naysayers have been completely wrong).   However, I would be a liar to say that at first, I didn’t want to tell people because A) I was in disbelief, B) because all the judging I knew I was going to get, and C) all the annoying comments people will make. 

Generally, as I age, I do feel I have gotten much wiser on a lot of fronts.  There are still things I need to learn and evolve into, but I understand one thing more than I ever have.  People will judge you.  That is a statement, not a question or a maybe, it is a firm sentence with a very strong period.  I have had my fair share of it on the flip side as a single woman with no kids when entering my later 30s, I heard all that gabber.  “You will find someone eventually.”  “Don’t you want to have kids?”  “Your clock must be ticking.”  I am here to say now as a mom of 2 kids, my life was just as fulfilled without kids as it is with.  I never pined for love, marriage, kids.  I did always want to have kids if it worked out, but I never longed or yearned for anything in the way that most people pegged me for.  I imagine based on their comments they assumed, I was drowning in a sea of depression and loneliness, whereby, I was honestly having the time of my life.  I would joke about being single, but really, I enjoyed it. To this day, I do enjoy just being by myself, I can travel solo, I enjoy a quiet day by myself.  And I get it; it is not for everyone.  And that’s just the gist of it.  What works for one doesn’t work for another. 

And that is just the whole essence of it.  Some people have complications getting pregnant, others seemingly get pregnant looking at someone like the Virgin Mary.  Some want kids, some don’t.  Some have kids as an Oops, or some after meticulous planning.  Some have 10 kids; some have one and done.  Some have kids old; some have kids young.  It does not matter what you do, and in some cases, life won’t even give you the option for what you want so you really have no choice.  Which brings me to my enlightened state, that people will continue to judge me as a 40-year-old mom.  They will judge me when I’m 60 at my kid’s graduation.  People will judge me no matter what I do, no matter what any of us do.  We will be judged.  This is not a new idea for me, or something I am even a stranger to; however, throughout your life you need those reminders and that little push. 

So these days,  I am proudly sporting a literal romper which is more like something a 20-year-old would wear versus a 40 plus year old.  I don’t care.  I wore a regular size t-shirt that says, pregnant girl summer, and it definitely accentuated my belly.  I have been asked more times than a cat in the hat story rhymes, if I am having twins.  I do not care, I am embracing my very large belly, geriatric state, twinkles around the eyes, wrinkles around the mouth, middle aged pregnancy.  I am indeed over 40, and I am pregnant, and I am grateful that my body is able to do so.  It means I am healthy enough to carry the baby; my body is able to get pregnant, and financially I can afford to have another child even if that means I have to give up more wine (because just the appointments and delivery alone would make a person go broke, never mind the amount of financial burden the kid will add over the years of your life). 

Once I came around to the reality of this geriatric situation, I was happy and excited to welcome another baby into the world.  My start, later than others, but not making the journey any less magical.  Sure, I am terrified in general about the fact that I will have 3 young boys and my sanity might be lost forever.  However, my turn to have kids was now and the now for me happened to be later.  I enjoyed a life of travel, career, excitement, and magic in my 20s and 30s, and am now living the different kind of magic in my 40s and future years.  I may have gray hair, but as someone dear to me told me recently, I am young at heart.  And really when it comes to matters of children, the heart is really all that matters.  So, to all the 40 plus pregnant ladies, cheers to 40 and fabulous! And to those who think you are running out of time, maybe you are not, the clock might still be ticking, but what the time means to each person is completely a matter of opinion.