My Angel Kissed Baby

The Birth Story of Lil G

There is a lot of information out there to prepare you for birth, however nothing ever prepares you for whatever happens when you actually are in the process of delivering your baby.  Most people have a plan, and some people are able to execute it, however for most of us, you can just take that plan and feed it to a mouse for shredding. 

I often wonder if Spinny dog was the start of my labor but one will never know.  Just a few days before I went into labor, I was driving home and it was dark out, as I got close to my house, I saw a dog running down the main road.  This is a road where people speed really bad.  I recognized it to be the neighbor’s dog at the end of the road, who is a cattle dog who spins circles in the yard every time I have ever seen it.   I had never met the owner, but I pulled over with the intention to let them know their dog was loose. Here I was 38 weeks pregnant, pulled over on the side of a somewhat busy road, walking to someone’s house I actually didn’t know, in the dark. 

The front of the house was not lit; we are not close together houses so there are no streetlights.  I must have caught my foot on an uneven surface, as the front area was all pavers, and I fell hard straight forward onto my arms and my stomach after stumbling a bit. When you are pregnant your balance becomes somewhat nonexistent.  I recall just laying there for a min as I was out of breath and couldn’t move.  As I stood up, I was labored in my breathing and my whole stomach was in contraction.  I was a mere 2 feet from the front door at this point.  I pulled myself up, and kind of hunched over walked the last 3-4 steps to ring the doorbell.  A lady answered and I explained to her I was a neighbor down the road and recognized that her dog was loose on the main road.  She looked briefly at the dog run and then said oh no, thank you, and followed me outside.  I was visibly pregnant and could barely walk at this point, so slowly followed behind her back to my car.  She turned to me at one point and asked if I was ok, and I said yea, she had no idea what happened and I wasn’t about to get into it, I just wanted to get home.  She told me, “You better get yourself home”. 

I did my Dr. Google searches and watched myself half the night for bleeding and other signs of trauma and I seemed fine.  I did call my doctor the next morning and they scheduled me to come in right away.  She lectured me about not going to the hospital and sent me straight there.  I was tested and monitored, and they did see some amniotic fluid in my blood that had leaked from the fall.  So, it turns out I had ruptured my sac but not too badly so after a while of monitoring I was sent home. 

A few days later, my contractions started, and I went to hospital again as I had never really had them before, in my prior labor I was induced.  They again sent me home as they were not close enough together. 

Following that I vowed I would not go back to the hospital until I knew for sure I was having enough contractors, I had already been at the hospital twice that week.  I spent the next few nights walking my bedroom in shear pain over half the night trying to relieve the contractions.  I called my aunt in the morning for a ride to the airport as they were getting so bad I couldn’t take it anymore.  As we passed the nearby hospital she did ask if I wanted to stop as my contractions were getting bad.  I opted not to; I must have had a feeling that I needed to be at the trauma hospital.

The early parts of the labor didn’t seem too horrible since I had already been contracting for a few nights, I opted for an epidural and this time it worked, so here I was thinking I got this!  My last epidural did not work, and I could still feel pain, after this one I instantly was so much more comfortable.  I literally had this notion of positivity since the pain was gone and I knew what pushing was going to feel like, that I could have a much easier labor this time. I was so happy and felt ready.  I was in labor for a few hours, contractions were getting closer together and dilating was moving along.  At one point my bed started to literally sandwich me by closing up.  At first, I thought maybe I was laying on the button, or Zach was messing with me, but he nor I was touching any buttons and the bed kept closing up on me.  I had a catheter in, so it was starting to hurt, and I was freaking out a bit, as my body could not bend that much with a big old belly, yet the bed kept going.  Finally, the nurse came, and we were able to get it to stop.    

G was breech so they did the process where they push on your stomach in a certain way to move it around.  I was quite afraid in all honestly that it would hurt, but it didn’t hurt at all, it seemed like barely any pressure, and sure enough it did work to get him in the right position for birth. 

Not long after, the doctor was checking my dilation and my water broke right then.  At that minute, he said Oh Fuck, and used his radio to call in a code.  What proceeded can only be described as sheer chaos.   People ran in at all angles, the doctor vanished.  A lady climbed in between my legs onto the bed and she calmly told me that she was going to stick her hands inside my body to hold up the baby and ride while we went to the OR.  Bed was jammed to the wall via a cord and one of the nurses told the other nurse just rip it off.  They literally ripped it out and my bed jolted, and off we went.  There were 2 ladies in front of me as I was being pushed facing forward, they were running ahead of us, and badging doors to get them open before I came.  We were running all of us, there were people pushing, people running beside me, and people in front.  All the while the lady with the purple hair was on top of me with her hands in my whooha.  We turned into a doorway of a much larger room, which I came to find was the operating room.  They explained I was going to be lifted and with 4 people around me, lifted the sheet I was on, moved me to surface they had parked me parallel to.  Instantly, and I mean that, straps were being placed on me, and I was locked down to a table via both my legs, upper body, arms.  A sheet went up above my belly.  A lady randomly appeared to the right side of my face.  She was sitting on a chair and a drip line appeared with a machine.  Due to being locked down I could not really turn to see anything on either side of me.   She told me her name, that she was an anesthesiologist, and that she was going to give me something for pain, but I might be cut before it went into effect.  She then said that she could put me under in a matter of seconds if I wanted.  I told her no.  In my mind I was able to somehow process quick enough to say no.  I do remember thinking that I did not want to be put under because then I would not know what had happened until I woke up nor get to see the baby.  She told me again if at any time I wanted to change my mind I could.  I started to get very scared in these seconds or this minute that I was alone with no idea what was going on, I asked where Zach was frantically twice and Rip…..  That was it.  I felt my body cut and a huge pressure release occur from my stomach like it collapsed. I could feel the baby lifted outside of my body mainly because the large belly feeling just went away instantly like a ball being popped out of a space that was too small.  A second or two or it could have been 10 who knows, passed where I must have held my breath as I waited for something to happen.  I finally heard a baby noise from behind the curtain, and I knew he was fine.  I saw out of the corner of my eye, a baby pass to my left and over towards what I could barely see as a baby checkup station.  Sometime between the baby behind the sheet and moving to the side, I saw Zach’s face come to my left side.  (He was delayed as they ran into the room after I was wheeled out and got him into a gown which they did very fast, but not fast enough).  I immediately started puking at this point while Zach held a bag.  Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, I felt a pain in my arm so strong it felt like a combo between being extreme ache, being cut, and ripped from the inside out.  Knowing that arm pain is a sign of a heart attack, I stated out loud in panic that I was having a heart attack.  My blood pressure and heart were fine though.  The anesthesiologist was still right next to my right side of my face, and she stated it was called phantom pain.  All the pain I was feeling from the cut and delivery materialized into my arm for whatever reason. 

I was stitched up, and I recall none of that, I assume the drugs had kicked in at this point.  Zach recalls from his vantage he could see that I was bleeding a lot, and they were calling out numbers.  He assumed they were tracking rags and tools, which they probably were.  However, later I came to find out I was bleeding way too heavily. 

At some point the baby came over and was placed on my chest.  Not long after, we were wheeled out into a recovery area where we stayed for a while.  A lady stayed in there to monitor us to ensure we were OK and no surgery aftereffects happened.  I have no concept of how long we sat in there, time essentially became this weird thing, like it no longer existed in reality, it seemed to be going at lightning speed, yet stand still, after all that had happened, happened time became a bizzare thing.  The only time I had a similar experience with time moving quick yet standing still, was while driving to get my brother after my dad passed away.  I am assuming it’s this weird place your mind goes to under complete trauma where nothing is believable, all while believing and knowing it did happen.  My doctor told me the exact time of the process, from his calling into the code to that baby coming out of my belly was 7 minutes and a number of seconds which I now don’t remember.  We were eventually wheeled into an elevator and taken to the recovery area where we stayed for a couple days while we got checked and made sure all was good. 

It was only after we got home, I realized the intense amount of pain I would be in.  At times during the week, I literally cried because I was in so much pain.  I could not roll over to get out of bed, I couldn’t sit up, I could barely move.  My core was destroyed and I had no motion.  What followed is brutal hemorrhoids, which I am still unsure how they happened as I never actually pushed a baby out.  I was in the process of contracting, however there wasn’t any pushing.  I never got hemorrhoids on my first delivery, and I did push him out, so it didn’t make sense.  I have never experienced anything like that, it was absolutely awful and dragged on for weeks.  Given the choice between a c-section and a natural delivery, I would choice the natural every time, that reasoning is for another day. 

Slowly and slowly my core got better.  The hemorrhoids took their sweet time to go away.  Everything from going to the bathroom, to walking, to sitting was so horribly painful.  I had to sit on a donut; I literally cried almost every time moved and most certainly everyday. 

The weeks following the c-section were some of the hardest of my life.  G was also a very latchy baby, he cried a lot more than my first.  He needed to be held.  I always think it was because of his delivery being so traumatic that he needed so many cuddles.  I wasn’t supposed to co-sleep since we are Americans and in this country that is considered dangerous, (other countries consider it very normal) but I found myself doing it as I needed some rest and he only rested when snuggled up. 

Things that I can recall in the 7 minutes this all took place.  As we were running down the hall, I distinctly recall the thought of: I am going to lose this baby in my belly that I have carried for over 9 months and how horrible it would be, not only to have endured all the pain and suffering to get to this point, but then also have to suffer losing my child.  I told myself to keep calm and not panic, as I knew if I went into cardiac arrest, they would focus on me and not getting him out.  Somewhere inside me, I was able to maintain some composure, I didn’t cry, I didn’t say a word, I just tried to focus on breathing so I wouldn’t stop breathing and literally die right there while running down the straight white hallway.  I can visualize all those people that were there during those wild 7 minutes in blurry form but can see none of their faces.

Being my second birth, I was very nervous but at least I thought I knew what I was getting into somewhat.  But I had no idea at all what I was in for.  You hear about c-sections, and I am sure the planned ones or the non-life threatening emergency ones are scary, but less insane than what I went through.  I didn’t know that a lady would literally ride on top of me I had never met, that you could be cut wide open like the old wild west without much preparation and just rough and tumble (seriously the only thing missing was a bearded guy pouring whiskey onto my wound and down my throat while putting a bandana into my mouth), I had no idea how much vomit a person can instantaneously have and the strength and weakness you can show all at the same time during an absolutely terrible moment.  I will always know when a doctor says Oh Fuck, that your life is about to change forever.  I thought I had only imagined him saying that honestly, until later I asked Zach, and he confirmed he did indeed say this.  I never thought I would weep like a child in front of my own mom days later because I could not stand the pain anymore, and that I would have a  story so wild, even in my extreme of oddities in life would be the cake topper, but not in a good way, like one of those bad stories where the bride gets stood up at the aisle and the groom is ripped off the cake and you can see the hole on the cake and know that the whole thing is so messed up. 

Childbirth is literally a terrifyingly hard experience and there is so much emotion and pain, it’s unbelievable really it is.  I would wish my experience on no one, and I am lucky my baby survived.  However, I know without a doubt as someone who plans for emergencies as part of my paid career, the people in that hospital had practiced this procedure.  I came to find out later, this is not a normal thing that happens, a prolapse cord is not super common, at least at that hospital, people on the recovery floor would come in and be like “Oh you’re the prolapse cord”, everyone had heard about it, it was something rare and scary so I was like a battle medallion winner.  I am super grateful I chose that hospital, I could tell they knew what they were doing, once that code was called each person knew their job, they knew who did what, and every person filled that roll, the pushing me while running, the opening of doors, the transferring of my body, the pinning me down, the anesthesiologist appearing like a magic trick beside me face…literally they all knew.  It was done quickly with no breaks or slowdowns and no glitches.   It felt like I was watching my own tv drama episode from a camera outside my body: the running, the doctor/nurse coordinated chaos, the yelling out of numbers.  The doctor wasted no time cutting my body open, and I know without a doubt had we been somewhere else, we may never have a Lil G. 

When G came out, he had what looked like a huge birth mark on his forehead just about between his eyes, but a little above.  Either the doctor or nurse told me during recovery, it was called the angel’s kiss. I often wonder if it was purple hair’s fingerprint from her holding him up so tightly from strangulation.  He had it for a few months then it faded away.  They tell me you might be able to see it appear if he gets sunburned or angry.   

Women are incredibly strong, resilient, and mentally tough, even ones who cry a lot are still bad ass mofo’s, as the load and burden they carry since their own birth is so heavy, and it doesn’t even matter if they bear children.  If I could give anyone birth advice, be prepared for anything that might happen, stay calm and I mean don’t just try to stay calm, force yourself to make it your main priority.  When your plan is flipped on its edges, you have to just go with it, there really is no other option.  When it comes to birth stories they are all so different and each experience has its own trauma.  Sometimes when I think I can’t do something I think back on my birth stories and then I know I can climb that mountain. 

I do think women should understand what can happen during delivery, however and I know this won’t be popular opinion, I think birth plans are stupid.  As in my experience there are too many variables.  Sure, you can tell your doctor generally what you want and be knowledgeable about all the things that might come up, but literally it is completely out of your control.  I feel like when people are so set on a plan and it doesn’t happen, even if they and baby are healthy, the woman still feels defeated that she couldn’t execute her plan.  The planning of birth can set women up for failure in my opinion and a lot of regret afterwards.  Women don’t tend to get over their own emotional baggage easily.  And childbirth starts the whole journey of parenting judgment.  For example, if you took meds and didn’t do a natural birth you are somehow considered lesser than in the eyes of the Judy Judgers.  Every experience is different, as I mentioned before, to me the long-term pain of the c-section was much more un-bearable versus the very hard pain from a couple days of natural labor (which also sucked).  Some women opt for c-section and recover almost instantly.  Not one scenario is the same.  The whole thing with the judgements is BS.  If you have a healthy baby, you should be happy, some women don’t get to leave the hospital with their baby.  That person could have been me.

Although that child can get me angry in 0 to 2 seconds, my life would never be the same without my angel kissed baby.  I would have grief in place of that anger, and I feel so grateful that I get to be angry and not sad.